Return of the Hobbit Fiend

By Susan Thea Posnock

I know it has been a tough few weeks without a column. I apologize for all those sleepless nights, that constant gnawing at your minds wondering when, WHEN will the fiendish hobbit groupie return and bring some light to my pathetic, dark existence?

Well, I'm back! Lots to cover, much news—good and bad—since I last wrote.

For instance, there's this business surrounding Saruman. As most of you probably know, the character, played by Christopher Lee, will not make the final cut of “The Return of the King.” It sounds to me like it was a difficult decision for Peter Jackson. And, at this point, I've gotta have faith that it is the right one for the film. Fan wishes and actor's egos aside, it is PJ's responsibility to make the best movie he can possibly make. Of course, he isn't going to satisfy everyone. I haven't agreed with every change the filmmaker's have made from the books, but this is the last mile and I'm gonna trust PJ (and all the others who poured their heart and soul into the project) to see it through in phenomenal fashion.

As a bonus though, I was fortunate enough to see the cut scene between Gandalf and Saruman, and now, my dear readers, I will share it with you! (Okay, I didn't actually see it, but I DREAMT about seeing it. In the dream I was having a VERY “special” “Lord of the Rings” marathon at home with Viggo Mortensen, Orlando Bloom, Elijah Wood, and Karl Urban. True, it was a bit crowded in my little studio apartment, and it was unfortunate that we all had to go topless due to my air conditioner being on the fritz—for some reason the dream took place during the summer—but I digress.)

Anyway, here's the scene:

Gandalf and the rest of the gang are hanging out below the tower of Orthanc, trying to coax Saruman into coming down.

Gandalf: Get down here, bitch!

Saruman: Why should I come down when I can use the fabulously sonorous tones of my majestic voice to make you all do my bidding? You're getting very sleepy, sleeeeepy…

Gandalf: I said get down or I'll open up a can of whup-ass! I'm the one with the fancy-shmancy white robes now!

Saruman ignores him. With Wormtongue as backup, he starts to sing a rousing Barry White-esque rendition of “Can't Get Enough of Your Love.” Gandalf remains perfectly still, but Théoden, Merry, Pippin and Treebeard begin to dance around the tower.

Théoden: The man may not be willing to come down, but he can clearly GET DOWN.

Gandalf raises his staff and proclaims SILENCE! As if that little prick Justin Timberlake isn't enough! Face it, Wizard-boy, you're WHITE and BRITISH and you've got no rhythm.

Suddenly, in what can only be called a moment of decadent whimsy, Wormtongue tosses the Palantir off the tower. Pippin—still caught up in the seductive power of Saruman's singing voice—grooves his way over to it.

Pippin: Merry, what do you suppose this is?

Merry: A lava lamp?

Pippin reaches down and touches the Palantir. Instantly, the “Big Flaming Eye” transfixes him.

Pippin: Whoa. Pretty lights!

Sauron's Big Flaming Eye: Who the hell are you?

Pippin: It's talking, Merry, the big flaming eye is talking!

(At this point in the dream, I noticed Viggo had his hand on my knee, so I sort of lost track of the rest of the scene, but you get the idea…)

Ahem.

Another important development since I last wrote is the official release of “The Two Towers” Extended Edition DVD. I had an opportunity to see a preview screening of it, and even wrote a review for TORN.

In retrospect, I think I liked the EE more than I expressed in my review. In fact, I neglected to include a very important aspect of the DVD: Interviews with designer/sculptor Jamie Beswarick. He shows up in the documentary footage. (And, I believe at one point he made an appearance as “Pizza Delivery Guy” in that LOTR-marathon dream.)

Seriously, the EE is amazing, especially Sean Bean as Boromir rising from the dead. And it provides some great insights even I was unaware of. For instance, who knew that Eowyn was such a lousy cook??? And the banter on the post-production commentary about the use of the line “Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!” is also classic.

In order to fully enjoy the experience, I bought a new DVD player, a glorious five-disc changer so that I can put ALL FOUR DISCS in and never get out of bed.

All I need now is to hear from Viggo, Orlando, Elijah and Karl. And remember to order pizza.

(Originally published on OscarWatch.com. ©2003 OscarWatch All Rights Reserved.)