For Your Reconsideration

By Susan Thea Posnock

Less than two weeks until the big night and I've been trying to come up with a way for “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” to break the all-time record for Oscar wins. I know, I know, with 11 nominations the best it could do is tie “Titanic' and “Ben-Hur.” As we all know, a tie is like kissing your brother and I'll have none of that. What we need is a good old-fashioned grassroots write-in campaign for Sean Astin and Miranda Otto.

Now, Sean probably just missed out on getting nominated and his work has been highly praised. Oscar voters, you know how to right this terrible wrong. Come on, say it with me: “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” (But please don't write in Rudy, as that would be really weird if Rudy Ruettinger won an Oscar. And personally, I don't want to see a sequel to the first film.) If you MUST stick with one of the actual nominees, please go for Ken Watanabe in “The Last Samurai,” who nearly saves that film (but doesn't thanks to uber-man Tom Cruise).

As for Miranda, while great in her small role, she probably suffered from some of the edits in the theatrical version.

The bad news is those scenes won't be available for viewing until the Extended Edition DVD comes out. The good news is I was able to get a sneak peak at some exciting moments that will be restored! I bet you're wondering how a semi-employed LOTR fanatic managed such a coup? Let's just say I've got my connections and they are as vast as my imagination.

Because I'm such a generous person, I've decided to give you my readers, (plus you lovely bastards at the Academy that BETTER vote win win win for ROTK), a sneak peak:

Howard Shore's beautiful, soon-to-be Oscar-winning score becomes haunting as we see the fair Eowyn, injured from her deadly tango with the Witch King, lying still in the Houses of Healing. Aragorn watches over, his eyes shining on her translucently glowing white skin.

He whispers: “Damn, you really are a babe.”

Ioreth, the Nurse in the Houses of Healing: “The hands of the king are the hands of the healer.”

Aragorn: “Oh yeahhhhh, I'll use my hands.”

Eowyn stirs: “I'm … garble … wretch … no …. Man.”

Ioreth: “You tell ‘em sister!”

Aragorn: “Excuse me, you'll have to leave the room.”

Ioreth: “No, according to HOH procedure, a nurse must be present at all times. But now you remind me of the time the Steward came in to remove a wart…”

Aragorn: “Um, yes, that's usually the protocol, but you must find um, you know, some Kingsfoil, the hands alone cannot heal. And I need absolute silence. Please lock the door on your way out.”

Ioreth: “Yes, my lord.”

Aragorn proceeds to “heal” Eowyn using his hands.

Afterward, he lights up some pipe weed.

Aragorn: “So like, Eowyn. I think you're really sweet and all, but see there's this Elf chick.”

Eowyn: “Men.”

Later…

Eowyn is healed, but the wound to her heart is still clear on her stern, pale, beautiful snow-white face. She walks solemnly through the grounds, sighing occasionally.

Eowyn: “Sigh. Woe is me. I love him, yet he loves her. And she probably loves somebody else. Love stinks.”

Suddenly, Faramir, recovering from nearly being burned alive and pierced by a foul Orc arrow, stumbles upon Eowyn.

Faramir, quietly to himself: “Whoa, what a babe. Gonna get me some of that.” To Eowyn: “My fair lady, why are you so forlorn?”

Eowyn: “I deliver the best line in the damn movie and all I get as an encore is a quick cut of me smiling at you during the big crowning scene? Is there no justice? Can I not be in as many scenes as the men, aren't I deserving?”

Faramir: “How do you think I feel? I'm the most fair-minded character in the book and I've been reduced to the pathetic pawn of my deranged father. At least you get to speak in your scenes. I spend the second half of the film passed out.”

Eowyn: “Oh. That does indeed, suck.”

Faramir: “Eowyn, I know your heart aches for Aragorn. But let's face it, you're hot. As luck would have it, so am I. Wadda ya say?”

Eowyn: “Men.”

They proceed to make out.

As you can see, these Oscar-worthy moments not only enhance Miranda's performance, but also that of David Wenham as Faramir. If a traditional Oscar cannot honor these fine actors (along with every other cast member in all three films), I propose some “special awards” for the cast of LOTR:

Best performance while scampering about in a weird

bodysuit: Andy Serkis as Gollum

Best crying: Sean Astin

Best menacing lighthouse beacon: The Flaming Eye of Sauron

Best kick-ass hot chick performance: Miranda Otto

Best kick-ass hot guy performance: Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen

Best Dwarf: John Rhys-Davies

Best Nice Wizard Performance: Sir Ian McKellen

Best Bad Wizard Performance: Christopher Lee

Best onscreen brothers: Sean Bean and David Wenham.

And in addition to the much-deserved Best Director Oscar, here's hoping Peter Jackson also wins the coveted: Most Cuddly-Looking Director.

Please feel free to send me suggestions for other new categories LOTR should win and stay tuned for next week's Oscar predictions…

(Originally published on OscarWatch.com. ©2004 OscarWatch All Rights Reserved.)