Diary of a Hobbit Fiend: For the Love of a Hobbit

By Susan Thea Posnock

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among many of the emails I’ve received for this column. I know it has been all fun and games up to this point, but now it’s time to get serious. Email after email describes how husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, casual acquaintances, random strangers on the street, etc. don’t support the hobbit habit. Frankly, this kind of behavior SICKENS me. Yes, it is a real tragedy that could reach epic proportions.

I’ve given this lack-of-interest-in-the-Lord-of-the-Rings phenomenon a lot of thought. I’ve heard some of the fans say of non-believers, "oh, they just don’t GET IT." I disagree with this assessment. The real truth goes much deeper than simply "getting it" or not. And it’s far scarier. The cold hard fact of the matter is: They’re STUPID.

Yes, that’s right folks. I know, I know, it is difficult to accept this, but there is no other possible explanation.

Case in point:

I was standing on line last week for my Trilogy Tuesday tickets when I suddenly fell, madly, hopelessly in love. He was (or so I thought) a fellow “Lord of the Rings” fan, standing just a couple of people in front of me. I was too shy to speak. It was like when Aragorn first spotted Arwen and felt like he’d stepped into a dream…well, perhaps I’m exaggerating. A little.

In any case, my hunky hobbit-minded friend was by himself. I was also alone. Realizing my opportunity to make a Rings "Love Connection" made me giddy. Would he be my date for the marathon? Would we hold hands and look knowingly at each other during significant scenes (perhaps I’d notice tears welling in his eyes during Sam’s "I made a promise" speech). I began chatting casually with others on the line, trying to catch his eye. I was encouraged when he smiled at me whilst I sipped my iced coffee. Finally, after more than an hour on line, I made my move.

"So," I said, trying to sound casual, "how many times did you see the first two films."

"There were two other films?" he asked.

"Um, yes. You know, ‘Fellowship of the Ring’ and ‘The Two Towers.’"

My handsome stranger looked as if a truck had hit him. "You mean, this isn’t the line for ‘Out of Time?’" "Um, no. You’ve been waiting on the wrong line. Actually, there is no line for ‘Out of Time.’"

And thus, his head hanging with shame and embarrassment, he left the line and our passionate affair (oh what it could have been!) was over.

See what I mean??? S-T-U-P-I-D. What other explanation is there for someone who, on a Thursday morning, thinks the line for ‘Out of Time’ would extend all the way down the block, proceed to then WAIT an hour on that line with people talking about LOTR all around him, and still not realize his mistake.

(Okay, perhaps this story has been altered slightly for "journalistic license," but still.)

This is a HUGE problem, people.

Certainly none of the men in my life have loved “The Lord of the Rings” like I do. My last boyfriend, the previously mentioned Elven Brooch-giver, was English, so he did at least SOUND like a hobbit. But he made the tragic mistake of once asking me, "if you had to pick between seeing ‘The Return of the King’ or being with me, which would you choose?" Like there’s a choice? Before him there was the self-proclaimed “Matrix” man.

We’re still friendly, and he keeps telling me that I should write a column that looks at LOTR-fandom versus The Matrix-fandom. He seems to think that there’s some kind of contest. I told him I didn’t want to address it here, especially since I happen to be a Matrix fan as well. Then I went on to explain that there is simply no comparison between a more than 50-year-old literary, cultural and now cinematic phenomenon that has touched millions upon millions and ANY film that stars Keanu Reeves.

Sigh. I’ve never had much luck with love. But, until recently I didn’t recognize the connection between that and LOTR. It’s all clear now.

So, now that we’ve identified the problem, what can we do?

I say there’s only one answer. And, I know it may sound a little harsh, but this is SERIOUS.

Give your lovers, friends, acquaintances a chance. Tell them about the joys of coming over to "our side."

But if they say no, DUMP THEM.

Author’s note: Just in case you missed it, the above column is not meant to be taken seriously. I really don’t want the EX-spouse of some crazed LOTR fan sending me hate mail because they got dumped. And, I really don’t think non-fans are stupid, they just—in this case—have lousy taste. ;)

(Originally published on OscarWatch.com. ©2003 OscarWatch All Rights Reserved.)