One Movie to Rule Them All

By Susan Thea Posnock

Okay, I'll say it right up front. It was DULL. It was one of the most boring Oscar ceremonies I've ever watched, despite my being thrilled with the clean sweep.

I had high expectations for some hobbity zaniness. In preparation I dressed in my “Frodo” best and decorated my home with “Leaves of Lorien” strewn about a spectacular “White Tree of Gondor” lamp. And believe me, that was quite the task in a small “one room to fit it all” studio apartment.

I'd invited all the usual suspects to come by and share the inevitable “Return of the King” victory with me: Sean, Elijah, Billy, Dom, Orlando and Viggo. Sadly, only “Orly” and “Vig” could make it. Must say they looked dashing. Instead of watching the parade of starlets and studs walking the red carpet, we flipped in a special preview copy of the “Return of the King” extended edition before the start of the ceremony.

Since this is my last “official” hobbit fiend column, I will share one more small snippet from it:

Aragorn leads the Captains of the West to the Black Gate of Mordor.

He gallops up on his horse, issuing a challenge: “Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice shall be done upon him.”

There is a long silence. Then a hideous and foul orc, (as opposed to the really HOT orcs), looks over the gate and yells out, “whose askin'?”

Aragorn answers, his voice majestic: “The King of Gondor.”

Ugly orc: “Whoop de damn do!”

After a short stand-off, the gate begins to creep open. In the distance, Aragorn sees the blinding Flaming Eye of Sauron shining over his army of hideous, deformed orcs. At its head is a tall and evil shape, mounted upon a black horse; huge and hideous, like a giant deformed Mr. Potato Head. “I am the Mouth of Sauron.”

Gimli, riding astride Legolas wonders aloud: “Looks more like a potato head to me, aye!”

The strange and hideous potato-mouth rides out to meet Aragorn and his band of merry men. No, that can't be right. Anyway, the Mouth rides out, turning to Aragorn and mocking him: “I see you've got that puny elvish sword. Like I'm really scared. Na na na goo goo you can't beat meeeeee!”

Gandalf rides forward: “What's your problem, bitch?”

Mr. Potato Head/Mouth: “Ha!!! You think your cool you old gray geezer! But lookie see what I have.”

Using his arm- like things (mini spuds?) the hideous potato-mouth takes out a bundle and throws it to the ground, revealing (to the shock and dismay of the Captains) Frodo's fancy shmancy mithril-mail coat, Sam's old sword, and a gray cloak with an elven-brooch…

Pippin: “Oh crap!”

It was at this moment that I awoke from my pre-Oscar dream, to the cold hard reality: I've alienated everyone I know with my “Lord of the Rings” obsession. So I settled in front of the television by myself, sadly eating my Keebler “Evlen-made” cookies. (Okay, the truth is I went to an Oscar party and still have friends despite my geekiness.)

Anyway, about that show. Oh what a show. So predictable. But, I couldn't be happier with the ROTK results. That's right baby, you bow to no one.

But, like the movie, just when you think it's over, just a few more curtain calls from fans.

In addition to “concerned” phone calls from family members, my recent diary asking fans to send in other suggestions for other awards the LOTR cast could win elicited very enthusiastic response. My inbox was inundated with pleas from geeks out there who wanted to see the cast rewarded on Oscar night. In reality, the cast had to bow with the film's big win and accept Peter Jackson's and others praise, but here's a few more. (Those of you who aren't fans may just want to stop reading now, if you even got this far. Go ahead; go back to the little corner you've been weeping in. You have my sympathy.)

New Oscar Categories the “Lord of the Rings” would dominate:

Eryn Justice wrote:

Viggo Mortensen - Best affectionate fondling of a lover's ear.

My response: I must ask, when you admire Viggo's ear fondling, are you referring to Arwen or Brego (his horse)? (And by the way, saw Hidalgo last night and Viggo has the most incredible chemistry with horses.)

The slightly nerdy and v. v. strange ~Elz~ wrote:

Best person to look bug-eyed, tired, verging on insanity and hot: Elijah Wood

My response: See, I always find tired, bug-eyed, insane guys hot, nothing strange there.

Theclar131 wrote:

Best twitchy man: John Noble as Denethor

And Andrea A added:

Best performance by a fruit or vegetable: The tomato of Denethor



My response: See, the key to that scene is that it brilliantly combines Noble's twitchiness with the tomatoes juiciness.

Ruth Purkey wrote:

Best kick-ass hot chick performance: can we really leave out Shelob???

My response: Good choice, Ruth. Everyone goes crazy for Andy Serkis as Gollum, but few people realize that Shelob was also based on the performance of a real actress: Elizabeth Taylor (Thanks to crazy ex-boyfriend Ray of culturevulture.tv, for coming up with this suggestion for an actress on the spot!)

Morgan Robertson wrote:

No Frodo? pfeh! Put out an article on the guy in the gimp suit and Sam -- with NO mention of Frodo? Not nice.... not nice at all....

My response: Oh, I've given Elijah lots of love all Oscar season. Check out my earlier columns and you'll see my glowing thoughts on the big-eyed one.

Jeffrey Star wrote:

Best Writer/Director wedded couple: Fran Walsh and Peter Jackson

My response: Yes, Fran and Peter rock. Even without hair products

Ryan Robison wrote:

Best-Extremely-Fast-Stair-Climbing-Considering-How-Long-It-Took-To-Climb-Them-The-First-Time: Samwise Gamgee ("Look! Lembas! Gollum must've framed me!" 3 seconds later: "Release him you filth!")

My response: Of course, the real Oscar belongs to the Lembas, which managed to reform itself after falling apart in the fall. Hey, nobody ever said it wasn't fantasy.

Gail Froomkin wrote:

Best use of dirt to make an otherwise handsome actor look AMAZINGLY hot- to the makeup team who scruffed up Viggo Mortensen

My response: Yes, Viggooooooooooooo and dirt…hmmm…lost my train of thought.

David wrote:

Your therapy has been approved. Please make an appointment with one of our OCD specialists as soon as possible. Good luck.


My response: Thanks for your concern, David. See you for that big family get-together next week. (David is my brother-in-law.)

My hobbity-sounding ex-boyfriend Paul wrote:

Best Deranged Semi-Employed “LOTR” Fanboy – Thea

My response: Whatever.

And finally, Audrey wrote:

Nice column honey, you're so bright and funny and beautiful. I love you!

My response: Thanks Mom!

And not just thanks to mom (and dad, also a big fan of the column), but to all of the friends who mocked me, family who disowned me, and fans who wrote me, as I shared my deeply personal obsession with all things LOTR. It's been a great ride.

Until “The Hobbit”…

(Originally published on OscarWatch.com. ©2004 OscarWatch All Rights Reserved.)